American Christianity has gotten too superstitious. I'm not sure if prosperity gospel has seeped into our thinking somewhere or if it's just American culture in general. Either way, we've developed a skewed idea of what a spiritual walk and a blessed life is supposed to look like.
I spent three or four years of my life in full time ministry inside one of America's many performance based genres of Christianity. A works based system places higher importance on those who work more. Normal people with family commitments, financial struggles, and personal issues are left to feel inferior and worthless. There's actually a lot of dishonesty in this type of system because nobody is free from these problems no matter how perfect and holy they paint themselves. To make a long story short, God opened my eyes to it all and I left. While my mind was clear and fresh I made some very intentional decisions. I moved my wife and my children back to top priority where they belonged. This included reducing my travel schedule to about half of what it used to be and holding it there no matter how many invitations to do otherwise came to me. I chose to focus on the legitimate burdens God had placed on my heart instead of the vanity that had begun crowding it out. This means that the last year of my life has included a lot more off stage ministry work than the previous four. I recalibrated everything and started over. The year is almost over and, as I look back over it all, I see one of the greatest ministry years of my life. Why have I struggled so much, then?
I can remember thinking that the elitist sect I was a part of was the last leg of real Christianity. I felt like I was part of something extremely important and that very few people were doing as much as me. If I can be honest, I miss that feeling. Truth brought me down to a place of equality with every person who has faith in Christ. My selfish nature doesn't like feeling common. The ministry work I do that isn't on a stage gets very little attention. Just a few hours ago God allowed me to greatly impact a struggling Christian I met in town but the story will never get told and my reputation will not grow from it. There is a carnal part of me that has been starving these last few months from lack of attention. It's not dead yet but I'm anticipating the day.
What am I worth? If God calls me to minister to strugglers in my hometown and equips me for the job, am I valuable if you don't know I'm doing it? If God calls me to skip a few singing opportunities so I can stay home and make sure I'm the husband my wife needs and the father my children need am I still important in the grand scheme of things?
What I've discovered is an identity struggle. I've taken that crowd that is applauding me as my wife and I walk off the stage and defined myself by it. I've let the size of my fan base determine my value. When I meet men who are better at doing what I do it drives insecurity into my heart. When I meet men who are more well known for doing what I do I question my gifts and abilities. Who am I? What am I worth? What terrifying questions these become.
The answers are actually simple. Who am I? I'm a child of the King just like you. No matter how cranked up my ego gets and no matter how depressed and beat down from insecurity I become, I'm still the Kings child. I'm not a Private, a Lieutenant, or a Five a Star General; I'm a child of the King. I'm not a working class commoner, an unskilled average Joe, or a needy beggar; I'm a child of the King! What am I worth? What is my purpose? What is my calling and my cause? How important is it? Again, the same answer fits every single one of us. Christ is the true Vine and I am the branch. I am the medium that Jesus Christ literally lives through wherever He chooses to let me exist and with whatever hand He so chooses to deal to me. If he makes me a benevolent rich man, a world class song writer, a local youth pastor, or the owner and operator of a one man grass cutting business, I am the branch that provides fruit to that place. The only qualification to fulfill this calling is to have breath in my lungs. He may build me up, He may tear me down. He may enrich me with provision, He may make me suffer. No matter the climate, I am a branch!
What an identity! It's beautiful isn't it? We have to keep each other reminded of these things because they are so easy to miss. I'm sure I'll struggle with them all over again, maybe even next week, but the truth won't change. The world doesn't need another show stealing celebrity, they just need some sweet fruit that will draw them to the Vine. That's who I am, that's who you are, and it's important.
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