I'm beginning this post in hopes that I never post it. The past few months of my life have been crazy. When God takes a notion to purge something from your life it's not usually very pleasant. As painful as it's been, I've never felt more alive and in His arms in my life and my two years of college look like a Sunday afternoon stroll compared to the education I've received in this time. To move forward in life you have to realize where you are wrong and that's where this story starts.
I met Jesus when I was seventeen years old after spending my whole life in church. I didn't know where to start. Growth doesn't begin until life begins but more than I needed direction I needed some good, fatty milk. Like most new Christians, I quickly discovered things that made the church people frown and things that made them pat my back and that was my initial perception of spiritual growth. I moved forward listening to God at times and men at times and I pieced together my religious walk from a combination of the two. I had an outfit and a ritual and the brethren were proud of me but my soul hungered for more. Like any good Pharisee I was proud of myself. Instead of struggling with my sin nature in the form of worldlyness like you imagine others to face my struggle became pride, cynicism and an overall lack of compassion. I would hurt for lost people as Christ would draw me on one hand and then be frustrated with everyone for not being as holy as I was on the other hand. The cure for every Pharisee is the same, though, and that's a midnight rendezvous with Jesus. Just ask Nicodemus! About four years ago that happened as I learned what it meant to really pray. I'd never really REALLY been in the throne room before and when I got there I got addicted. Pharisees are what they are because they have no fellowship with God. It is impossible to be proud of yourself and commune with Him at the same time. I had grew a little over the previous five years but my world woke up at this point. I had real direction in my soul on a daily basis! I knew what His voice sounded like and I wanted to follow it wherever it lead me!
The struggle began again. On one hand I'm hearing the voice of God's Spirit in my heart and then I'm hearing preaching and advice from Christians in my life that went against it. One Voice was drawing me toward a life of compassion and love while the other voices drew me to criticize, judge and presume. The love of a Pharisee is highly conditional and performance based and the pressures often weighed on me to stick with the methods these voices had pressed on me for fear of losing their love. Love? Love that can be lost? That's a concept entirely heretical in itself. A hierarchy that uses fear and emotional abuse to control those under it is not found in scripture but then again, Pharisees don't need scripture. Why, then, do we need Pharisees?
In the Bible you have those who followed Jesus because they loved Him and those that worshipped religion because it made them feel important. That's really the defining factor of being a Pharisee: your god is religion and you are lord. Why would you care about the lost or the babes in Christ? They are just bragging rights or competition to you. So, you write out a big list of outward rules, you live strictly by them and you have an attitude of bitterness, malice and disregard for those that don't line up with your guidebook. You swear the King James Bible is the only version to use but you live by your own version every day. You put your religious garments on and use them as a measuring stick for the spiritual condition of those around you. You live clean and view the ones who have made mistakes as second rate and unusable to God. You carry these thought patterns as a good Pharisee in supposed dedication to Jehovah and then while boasting in the synagogue Jesus Christ, Jehovah in the flesh, walks by and you don't even know who He is!!! Meanwhile, your ministry has a list of people it has damaged and discouraged three miles long and you are convinced the devil is just fighting you. You think the devil is fighting you because that's how important you perceive yourself to be when really he is your team mate because you are playing on his side! Your message beams brash and hateful and you call it unctionized and bold. Your demeanor shines with the dullness of bitterness and you call it holiness. Your attitude boasts of self and pride and you call it liberty and humility. God help, you think I'm throwing stones, I'm saying I've been there. I'm saying I'm sorry.
Religion is an insatiable task master. I served it with everything I had and it offered me no reward. Can a man serve two masters? I tried. Yet, in the long suffering of God, little by little He has painfully chiseled these pieces away; many of them just in recent months. I've learned what love looks like and how it never changes and how I owe it to even my enemies. I've learned that spiritual growth looks different in every single persons life and I have no idea how to judge where you are in it. I've learned that there's not a box on the planet Jesus fits in and that He has no favorites. I've learned that He cares about you when you dress wrong and carry a corrupt Bible version. I've learned that He has no allegiance to any organization of man and that He is more interested in what HE is doing in ME than what I see in others; he didn't hire me for that. I've learned that holiness is based on love and obedience and not standards and convictions. I've learned that 99% of religion revolves around temperance and there's eight more fruits of the Spirit that get looked over. I've learned that if you live, eat, sleep and breathe religion and get love wrong that you've wasted your life.
My passion is to change the world and I want to start right now by saying I'm sorry. My attitude hasn't always been right, I haven't always cared like I should or been patient. At times I sought to please men and have even allowed myself to be influenced by attitudes of condescension and elitism. I haven't been a Pharisee in four years but in the past few months God has taken a sledge hammer to the last remaining pieces. Painfully. I want my life to change yours but that desire is not really affective until you know that I know I've been wrong at times in the past in this area and that I know you've probably noticed. I want to live right for the right reasons. I don't want to cut corners and compromise out of fear of religion. I want to instantly and immediately move toward every ray of light God gives me no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it may seem. These are my ramblings. These are my confessions...
